losing.

If there's one thing that I could take away from today, it is that winning isn't everything. Losing the important matches and not making it to the semi-finals of another competition helped put things back into perspective and what I should truly seek after, instead of just wanting to get the top prize.

If I am convicted of the truth that Christ is sufficient, it will indeed be satisfying and easier to cope with loss. But I am not perfect and still working towards godliness and righteousness. Look forward, and look upward.

it is 1am and there are so many things to be thankful for. I am really glad that the discipleship circle thing in USP ministry is working out, and encouraged by the group of freshies who are so committed to meeting together to push each other on in Christ.

8am class in just a few hours!

another weekend gone.

Saturdays and Sundays are particularly precious days for me, not that the other days are not important or not considered important. They have a special place because those are the days that I can actually spend time with my parents and sis, and doing things I like but could not do while on campus. It is also the weekends that I can spend time away by myself to look back at the week past and the week to come.

There's a whole lot of things to think about in the week past, and it seems like things are getting harder with work starting to pile up and pieces to mend and put back together. My first ever case competition was over, and it did not end well. Was not quite expecting such rigour and sleeplessness from a business management case. Nonetheless, it was a good experience and gave me a good teaser of work life if I were to end up as a management consultant. Garden festival was pretty, but met with some unhappy encounters that soured the whole experience. Could be poor expectation management on my side. It was a tiring week, but more of such weeks to come. 

Expectation management on one other aspect of life has to be prayerfully and carefully sorted out too. Sometimes, when too many things go on at the same time, it gets overwhelming and I handle it in a very un-Christ-like manner. To me, I may perceive the whole situation in a particular manner. But to others whom I have talked to, they think otherwise, and usually much worse than it actually is. I really wished I could give them a peek of what I am thinking down in my heart, but only God knows what exactly is going on and he can see everything. Just hope and pray hard that I can try my best to explain, and be patient while waiting. 

It is truly not my own works or doings that things fall together, or apart, but God's. He is in sovereign control even if things do not work out the way we wanted. In all situations and for all things, give thanks, because I deserved nothing. Christ is all.

Time fleeting away,
Patience is gold, so is love.
Only God's unchanged. 

Swing.

Get into the mode, they say, but there are plenty of distractions (are they really disturbances?) that stand in the way. 

It's getting late into the night in the later part of my second week in school, and I am still up, trying to get work done, read and read some more. I just refuse to hit the sack and take a much needed break. I have been consistently getting less than six hours of sleep each night, and it is not really helping me to stay focused in the day. There are so many things that I want to do, yet time is scarce. I can't help but wish that I had more time to do what I want to do. I begin to question the way I prioritise and plan my time each day, as I work and toil through the heaps of words and mental stimuli.

Being surrounded by friends who aim to work for investment banks upon graduation makes me reconsider my plans on joining the civil service. The renumeration package for IBs is indeed attractive, with salary packages in the range of around at least eight grand for a fresh graduate. That is some serious payout, and it leaves little to imagination on the attractiveness of it. Well, with that comes loads of stress that could be avoided. But would that be a godly choice over other options that I have? And will it be the most Christ-centred decision I could make about my career path? It is easy for anyone to say that he or she will live for Christ, and end up with the higher-paying job with excuses to convince oneself that it was indeed a godly decision and it was God's plan. But was that said out of convenience? What really drives me and pushes me along in the way I think and plan?

It is good to consistently question our intentions in everything that we do. By asking ourselves the honest questions first and answering them, we can then be honest before others and before God. By thinking more deeply, it does help us in desiring to lead more Christ-centered lives and consider what it means to be godly, which is the very thing we are told to desire and strive towards. I am getting into the swing of the school term and surviving well, just hope that I will continue to question and challenge myself, for the sake of Christ. It makes the little steps towards spiritual maturity. 

Taking a step back.

The first week of lessons concluded week 1 of my third year in NUS. It was a tiring week with lessons and night trainings, the mind flooded with thoughts, while trying to get back into the swing of things. Unwinding a little at the end of the week over a couple of pints of malty ales, I reflected over the past week and thought about the many more to come. It was a helpful time to take time to breathe and clear the mind in the rush to nowhere, before things build up too much and it becomes too late.

There were times in the week that I have not really lived as I should, especially in the way I think and talk, even though I have tried to. The guilt of hypocrisy seeps in, making me feel terrible about that I have not done. The feeling sucks. It was brimming and screaming at me that I am indeed imperfect. It reminded me of who I am in flesh, and that even though sin has been conquered, it will be thoroughly destroyed when Christ comes again. If we could actually live out perfectly godly lives, Christ died for nothing. The key to godly Christ-centred living is not about trying hard to live it out, but acknowledging and living out the knowledge of what Christ has done. The motivation is Christ, not self-glorification. In a way, it is good to see that I am not perfect, but the response is not to go away beating my chest. It is to turn to Christ, rejoicing in what He has done even though I am undeserving, for we are undeserving.

To a good week 2, and the assignment due.

Gladness.

The gladness in the heart comes when you know of another person who shares the same thoughts (looks at the world in a similar way) as you do. Not the superficial "life is hard" kind, but at a much deeper level. Thank God for like-minded people who are placed around me whom I can turn to and talk about things, and being asked the hard questions (which is what gets me going). Yes, and if I do believe that Christ is all, I should live as such.

Checkpoint.

I am halfway through my university education and today marks the start of the second half of it. I am back in Cinnamon College, but it feels different. There are plenty of new faces around, most unfamiliar, and the friend that I usually meet for breakfasts has gone away.

Little did I expect to start the semester having a sleepless night, it was not in the plan at all. I am indeed sad that things turned out this way, not the way I wanted. I was filled with lots of jealousy and loss, not knowing what I should do next. The pain will take some time to go away, and I will grow stronger out of it. It was helpful that I put things back into perspective, with God's help on being patient and loving, and take the 'me' out of the picture for a moment. Sometimes, submitting to God's plan and will is hard for us. We cry and we make lots of noise because we don't see how that can be good. It is through struggles like this that we learn that it is really not about us, but who God is. Trusting in his sovereign will does not mean emotionless, it is knowing who he is and being able to move on from our hurt, pain and loss. Even though things did not work out now, there's still plenty to look forward to. Friends are precious too, especially close ones, and worth the every effort to keep and encourage.

Third year in uni, it will be a crazy crazy year. I'll have my first taste of double specialisation and learn to take it with a mindset not to self-glorify, but to glorify God. I'll be a lot more involved in the campus ministries I am in, taking up various roles that God has placed me in. I will be meeting with people to read the bible and regularly over lunch as well. And community group bible studies as well. Pray, too, if God wills, a partner to fight this fight of faith with, but remembering that Christ is above that.

To a penultimate year. Who knows, Christ might come again in just a bit.

A Singapore I love.

I am not sure what exactly constitutes a true blue Singaporean, but I think I am one.

I am born in Singapore, grew up here on this tiny little island in the Malay Peninsula. I spent the last 20+ years of my life here, experiencing and soaking in all the little bits and pieces of what it means to be a Singaporean. Over the last few years, with the advent of social media in particular, I have seen some of my peers and other Singaporeans (should I still call them that when it has become merely nominal?) that hurl insults at the PAP government, mostly senseless comments at what they should have done. It is not hard to understand why. It could be due to their unhappiness in certain aspects of their lives, or that their job has been taken away, or they wished they could have more wealth. It is due to their individual circumstances of the present day that they feel resentful against the party in power, which in fact, has an excellent track record of providing for the people.

Truth to be told, life in Singapore is not easy, but I do not think that I will choose any other place to call 'home'. As with most Singaporeans, I come from a middle class family, with parents not having received university education. I recall the days when my dad was in the police force and had to take on overnight duties, putting in extra effort and hours at work so that he could provide for the family. My mum left her job and stayed at home to make sure that everything went well. Every Chinese New Year, we gather for a feast, but that is one of the few times the whole family is around for a meal. My sis and I grew up in much fear of my parents. They were particularly strict in disciplining us. I am sure they thought it was good that we are well-disciplined. In school, I was frequently compared against my peers, both in the domain of sports and academic grades. My sister was a benchmark for me, one that I could never come close to. My parents' hours at work and nurturing us at home eventually allowed my sis and I to be enrolled into NUS to pursue a degree and become a graduate one day, so that we can have a job and lead a more comfortable life. It is sad to see them grow old, for they have grown old for us, yet happy that I still have them today.

Growing up in Singapore, I have learnt what it means to be content. Contentment is not about having all the material wants, because the chase after such things will never end. It is also not about having the perfect government that will satisfy everyone's needs and wants. Contentment is family and having a place that you can come back to anytime. The family that I hope to build in the future, if marriage and having a family is what God wills for me, is one that is intact, Christ-loving, loves each other and Singapore. It is the family unit that shapes how one grows up and the mindset that a person will have.

Singapore is a place I call home and hold dear to my heart. I can go away from Singapore for extended periods of time, but when I am away, there's always this longing to be back home. The familiar sights and smells of the city are fading away as we move along, and the Singapore now is no longer the same as the one I grew up knowing. One thing remains. My family is here, and Singapore is still home.

Happy 49th birthday, little red dot.

be thankful.

I am thankful for who I am today. I have my flaws. I am not the smarter one of my sister and I, my hair is thin, I have a persistent and recurring knee problem, I am not the best at doing what I am doing. I am a sinner, and I am still fighting sin everyday. Sometimes I manage to overcome it, but some other times I fail miserably. I have coveted for things that are not mine, I have gossiped, I have lusted. The I that I know is indeed problematic.

Yet the immeasurable riches of His grace poured out upon me. How is it possible that God, who was offended, gave Jesus as a propitiation so that I can be made right with Him. It doesn't make sense to my limited mind. Not a bit at all, none at all. I am thankful that Christ died for me because of God's love. Even though I was full of sin and not the best specimen of the human race, He called me to be His. It is the utter gratefulness and joy that brings me to me knees again and again in adoration of this beautiful Saviour.

Let this be fresh in my mind, and that it shape the way I live everyday.

Bring the cinnamon back!

For the fourth time, I am back in this block of joy and tears. Cinnamon college holds some good memories for me, along with some painful ones. Coming back here for my third year of studies in NUS, I have brought along with me a whole bag of mixed feelings. I am excited for school to start, regen to restart, the opportunities to share the gospel, yet there are a lot of things that I wish I had more time to resolve, or think that I could resolve if I had more time. The reality is here. Summer is over.

Living for Jesus

Over the last couple of days, I managed to spend time at a camp listening to God's word preached. It was just three talks and two bible studies. Prior to that, I have been reading Romans 3 and Colossians 1 over and over again. It is the accumulation of the load that pushed me to where I am now, for the first time in seven years since I became a Christian. 

Not once I was so humbled and broken down, thanking Jesus for what He has done. As much as it is one of joy, it is a reminder to only focus on Jesus and the implications of pre-destination and judgment on evangelism. There are things that I have been idolising of late, especially relationships and gaining approval of others. To live for Jesus, I have to stop doing these things, but to serve Christ alone and He is my only Master. 

Such love, how can it be.