Building Blocks.

It is never by my own works that I am saved.

It is perfectly normal to muck up my life when I start to believe that I can do better with my own strength and take things into my own hands. It is not about self, it is not about how many books I read, how much time I spend reading the bible, how much of the bible I know, how I interpret the bible, how many bible studies I attend. Those things come as a response and as a result of faith. On their own, they are without meaning. Those things do not make a Christian a Christian. What then is the basis of my faith?

It is the trust in Jesus Christ, who has shed his own blood and died for our sake, so that we could be reconciled to God again. I did not have to offer up any offering or to die on the cross so that I could be redeemed from the consequence of my sin. God came as a man in Christ Jesus to die on the cross to redeem us. God-man Jesus died for our sake. A sinless God died for the sinful humans. A righteous God came and suffered in the hands of the unrighteous for the unrighteous.

But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it- the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God's righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus.  -Romans 3:21-26

Why then do I still have the tendency to take things into my own hands? It just doesn't seem right for both are contradicting and can never exist together. It is either I give to total control to God and trust in him, or take things into my own hands and drive my own life. I can't have both, no one can. Satan is still angry, and he seeks to take people away and to die with him. This death is more than just physical, it is spiritual and eternal death. It is either I believe in God or I don't. There's no sitting on the fence. Choose life, or death?

I choose life, and it is going to be a fight of faith. There can't be a greater promise from a God who keeps His promises than the gift of eternal life for those who believe. People against God will stand up against us who believe, but we are told to trust and be strong in our faith. Those in God will prevail when his holy Kingdom comes again. Trust, and stay firm in Christ.

When we believe, what should our response be? I would not want to go back to my old ways. If I did, it doesn't make a difference whether I believe or not. We are told that we have to be born again. We will be transformed by his Spirit. What becomes my priorities? What drives me? Why do I want to do things in a certain way? I do it not because by doing so God will love me more or so that I will give the impression to others that I'm a good Christian. It is because Jesus has died for me, and there's nothing more than I could do than to believe and be a good testimony, so that people may see and glorify Him. It will not be for self, but for the sake of Christ. If I continue to dwell in trusting in my own strength, it is just a matter of time before I muck things up all over again.

Make a wise choice all the time. I'm saved, and I will and want to live out a gospel-worthy life.

Finding myself in a place that makes it hard.

I do not consider myself to be a mature or good Christian. I did not grow up in a Christian family, neither do I have many Christian relatives. I barely knew anything about Christianity, not that I know plenty of what it means right now. Raised in a family where there's a trace of violence, I did not even dare to tell someone how I feel. To avoid being at the receiving end of flying objects, all I had to do was to hide and keep quiet and work very hard to produce results. It wasn't an easy time growing up. I didn't make any close friends, I was confined to a place where I live, but do not really love. I'm afraid to voice out, because I'm hardly given any chances to. I keep everything to myself, and once in a while it becomes unbearable and everything starts to spew out. Then it starts again. Things often look fine on the outside, but it is just a veil that hides away all the brokenness, emotions, hurt, and fear. I still live in the shadow of my past up till this day.

A few years back in secondary school, I heard about this man called Jesus. He came to save us from our sins. I recall the song that sings "Broken hearts, broken lives, He will take them all". How great a God he is, no? I took the plunge. I confessed my sins, I recognized this God who is willing to take me in, I said that I am going to believe in Him and trust Him and lift all my troubles and worries up to Him. It was short-lived. I could easily point out many factors to explain it, but there are two main ones. My parents, even though they said that it was okay, did not give their full approval. All they do was just to stop me from attending services. It was hard for me to even get out of the house. The group that I joined, one that I thought was how a church should be like all the while, did not talk much more than living a life as a morally righteous person, in the eyes of the world as people-pleasers. The word of God was just secondary, if existent at all, wasn't expounded clearly. I did not grow much, I'm only as mature as I was when I recognized this saviour by the name of Jesus. I was not content with what I have, with how I'm doing, I do things for the sake of my parents, for the sake of myself, for the sake of pleasing others. I didn't know who is my ultimate master. I was lost.

A couple of years ago, I got into a relationship that I thought would eventually lead to marriage. It was all rosy in the beginning, everything seemed fine by worldly standards. I started to read more and learn more about Jesus and God's works. I'm still me, I did not manage to step out of my shadow in a new life. I dragged her down with me. I thought I had found a person that I could confide in, but I wasn't able to put aside my past and trust anyone. I don't even trust myself. I became so consistently inconsistent that I can't even recognize myself. Who am I, really? Trying so hard to trust myself and to rely on another person was the biggest mistake I had ever made in my life. I'm still bearing the consequences of my own mistakes, and I have inflicted hurt on and breached the trust of someone I love. Everything has fallen back onto me and crushed me. I found out that it is hard to love. It is not a feeling. It is an action, and the motivation stems from within us. Selfishness never ends in anything good. If it seems good, it's temporary.

I was in a terrible state for the past few days. I had no motivation to do much. I have to find out who I really am before I cause any further hurt and learn to truly love, and before I could even tell anyone about God's works with a true and sincere heart and mind. I took time to read the Word, about God's works, about His redeeming work on the cross, about how much he cares about all sinners, about who we are called to be if we believe in Him. His love and righteousness goes out to all, Jews and Gentiles alike, because we have all sinned. I fell, and I cried really hard. It was a cry that calls out to God for help, in recognition of my wretched state and my need of a redeemer. I was helpless, torn, broken down and totally exposed before God. It is such an impossible love by any human standards, but it is possible with God. He is a God who calls us to be His own, who seeks to reconcile us to Him.

I am by no measure worthy at all to even hear of His word. I lied, I idolized human relationships, making trust in another person the most important thing of my life. Yet He has called me to turn back from my ways and to be His. I'm thankful and filled with humility, wanting to seek Him wholeheartedly. But, where do I start? Am I about to fall back into the shadows of my past again? How do I step out of it with courage?

All I can do right now is to pray in distress. If I take things into my hands again, it isn't actually myself who is in control, but Satan is. It is tempting to take the wider gate, because it is the easier way out and the whole world is doing it. I want to take the narrow gate even though it is the tougher route, but it is the one that leads to life. There will be persecution, I will face trouble, even from my parents and relatives if I choose to follow Christ. It will be a hard time ahead, and maybe being away from home will be a good time to learn. I still have to face it, running away is not a solution. I have tried to escape the realities of life, only to find myself tossed back to a position that is worse than before, in utter hurt and emotional breakdown.

~

To anyone who reads this, I seek your sincere prayers to this God who protects, strengthens, promises eternal life. It is not because of what I do that draws me closer, but because of the very fact that Jesus has already died and was raised to life again. I do not know what lies ahead, I do not know where will I be heading towards. All I know, and the most important of all, is that Jesus died for me. Lord, may you shape me to be the man you want me to be, for I am yours. Even if what it takes is anything drastic and painful, I am willing to take it up. For I know my strength lies not in myself, but in Your very glory, and that You are with me.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."  John 3:16

He is a God who transforms is by giving us a new life, one that is eternal.