I do not consider myself to be a mature or good Christian. I did not grow up in a Christian family, neither do I have many Christian relatives. I barely knew anything about Christianity, not that I know plenty of what it means right now. Raised in a family where there's a trace of violence, I did not even dare to tell someone how I feel. To avoid being at the receiving end of flying objects, all I had to do was to hide and keep quiet and work very hard to produce results. It wasn't an easy time growing up. I didn't make any close friends, I was confined to a place where I live, but do not really love. I'm afraid to voice out, because I'm hardly given any chances to. I keep everything to myself, and once in a while it becomes unbearable and everything starts to spew out. Then it starts again. Things often look fine on the outside, but it is just a veil that hides away all the brokenness, emotions, hurt, and fear. I still live in the shadow of my past up till this day.
A few years back in secondary school, I heard about this man called Jesus. He came to save us from our sins. I recall the song that sings "Broken hearts, broken lives, He will take them all". How great a God he is, no? I took the plunge. I confessed my sins, I recognized this God who is willing to take me in, I said that I am going to believe in Him and trust Him and lift all my troubles and worries up to Him. It was short-lived. I could easily point out many factors to explain it, but there are two main ones. My parents, even though they said that it was okay, did not give their full approval. All they do was just to stop me from attending services. It was hard for me to even get out of the house. The group that I joined, one that I thought was how a church should be like all the while, did not talk much more than living a life as a morally righteous person, in the eyes of the world as people-pleasers. The word of God was just secondary, if existent at all, wasn't expounded clearly. I did not grow much, I'm only as mature as I was when I recognized this saviour by the name of Jesus. I was not content with what I have, with how I'm doing, I do things for the sake of my parents, for the sake of myself, for the sake of pleasing others. I didn't know who is my ultimate master. I was lost.
A couple of years ago, I got into a relationship that I thought would eventually lead to marriage. It was all rosy in the beginning, everything seemed fine by worldly standards. I started to read more and learn more about Jesus and God's works. I'm still me, I did not manage to step out of my shadow in a new life. I dragged her down with me. I thought I had found a person that I could confide in, but I wasn't able to put aside my past and trust anyone. I don't even trust myself. I became so consistently inconsistent that I can't even recognize myself. Who am I, really? Trying so hard to trust myself and to rely on another person was the biggest mistake I had ever made in my life. I'm still bearing the consequences of my own mistakes, and I have inflicted hurt on and breached the trust of someone I love. Everything has fallen back onto me and crushed me. I found out that it is hard to love. It is not a feeling. It is an action, and the motivation stems from within us. Selfishness never ends in anything good. If it seems good, it's temporary.
I was in a terrible state for the past few days. I had no motivation to do much. I have to find out who I really am before I cause any further hurt and learn to truly love, and before I could even tell anyone about God's works with a true and sincere heart and mind. I took time to read the Word, about God's works, about His redeeming work on the cross, about how much he cares about all sinners, about who we are called to be if we believe in Him. His love and righteousness goes out to all, Jews and Gentiles alike, because we have all sinned. I fell, and I cried really hard. It was a cry that calls out to God for help, in recognition of my wretched state and my need of a redeemer. I was helpless, torn, broken down and totally exposed before God. It is such an impossible love by any human standards, but it is possible with God. He is a God who calls us to be His own, who seeks to reconcile us to Him.
I am by no measure worthy at all to even hear of His word. I lied, I idolized human relationships, making trust in another person the most important thing of my life. Yet He has called me to turn back from my ways and to be His. I'm thankful and filled with humility, wanting to seek Him wholeheartedly. But, where do I start? Am I about to fall back into the shadows of my past again? How do I step out of it with courage?
All I can do right now is to pray in distress. If I take things into my hands again, it isn't actually myself who is in control, but Satan is. It is tempting to take the wider gate, because it is the easier way out and the whole world is doing it. I want to take the narrow gate even though it is the tougher route, but it is the one that leads to life. There will be persecution, I will face trouble, even from my parents and relatives if I choose to follow Christ. It will be a hard time ahead, and maybe being away from home will be a good time to learn. I still have to face it, running away is not a solution. I have tried to escape the realities of life, only to find myself tossed back to a position that is worse than before, in utter hurt and emotional breakdown.
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To anyone who reads this, I seek your sincere prayers to this God who protects, strengthens, promises eternal life. It is not because of what I do that draws me closer, but because of the very fact that Jesus has already died and was raised to life again. I do not know what lies ahead, I do not know where will I be heading towards. All I know, and the most important of all, is that Jesus died for me. Lord, may you shape me to be the man you want me to be, for I am yours. Even if what it takes is anything drastic and painful, I am willing to take it up. For I know my strength lies not in myself, but in Your very glory, and that You are with me.
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16
He is a God who transforms is by giving us a new life, one that is eternal.
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